Friday, November 07, 2008

The Frontier Party

Hmmm. I haven't written anything here for quite a while. And then I got to thinking, "What if I kept, like, a journal of my activities espoused by The Frontier Party? You know, don't watch the TV. Don't buy anything advertised on TV. If you see an ad in the newspaper, make sure to not buy that product."

It would be a really interesting use of the Google. Oh and by the way, I deleted all things Google from my webnet console. No Google here.

So off we go or as you see from the comment section, off I go. Who am I talking to? Myself of course. Because the Frontier Party is made up of individuals and we keep journals for the purpose of keeping ourselves on track. So if you're reading this and you're not me, don't feel bad if you are thinking, "This alppuccino seems really lonely and pathetic." Yeah, pathetic like a fox.

Day one, November 7, 2008.

I'll start on the 7th because I was born on the 7th. Frontiersman aren't necessarily numerologists, but keep in mind, when you promise that 95% of all Americans will get a tax cut, 9 and 5 add up to 14 and, in turn, 1 minus 4 equals -3, and -3 is the number for disaster. Cases in point: Godfather -3, Rocky -3 (9 to 5 was not that great of a movie either when you get right down to it.)

And George W being the 43rd president gets him a 7, 4 + 3, and 7 is the lucky number, according to anyone. Obama is 44th, add 'em up and you get 8, the sideways infinity symbol, which is what the next 4 years will most likely resemble. Enough with the numbers already.

Frontiersman (and please ladies, you are Frontiersman as well. Call yourselves Frontierswomen if you like, but the added letters, to me, is like buying a gallon of ice cream and a 4 ounce cartridge of Nestles Quick. You might get about a quart of deliciously chocolatey grainy stirred up goodness but then you're left with 3 quarts of useless vanilla ice cream. ) I'm not sure the analogy works for the Frontierswoman thing, but it certainly works for chips and salsa. Match up the chips and salsa amounts, in the name of Cinco de Mayo! As an aside, fat-free mayo on a blt works better if you first butter the toast vigorously. And as another aside, I'll try to keep the asides to a minimum.

As JD of Protein Wisdom will attest, I need to lose weight. When we played golf together at Purgatory in Noblesville, IN, he kept asking me, "Hey, what's your waist size? Here try my shorts on." Take that any way you like JD, but I took it as a hint.

The Frontier Party facilitates weight-loss inherently. Fox News brags about their viewers to their viewers. Then they brag about their viewers to their advertisers. Their advertisers then put up pictures of steamy omelets and succulent meat-filled delicacies, prepared, most likely by some young loser, who, on a dare, spread the chipotle sauce lovingly with his scrotum Bon appetite! Frontiersman prefer to supervise the preparation of their own food. The youth vote is notorious for pulling pranks on restaurant goers, fyi.

Oh, and The Frontier Party is looking for a list of dirty socialist companies like Starbucks, CORT Furniture (I'll stand thanks), anything with a Times or Tribune or Gazette in the name. There has to be more. The list is for the purpose of not consuming their shit (figuratively in a literal way). Too Lee Harvey? I'm sure it'll even out over time. But until then, Media is the enemy. The government is going to buy digital converters for the people who can't afford them! I suppose it makes sense since they're the ones watching the most TV. What's next, a 300 ohm cable up the bunghole? No thank you! Whoa, exclamation points in 3 of the last 4 sentences! Better take a break.

I'll keep me posted.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

A Troop Support How-to

I saw John Murtha on the tele. He looked like he had gotten his hair wet and then forced his head up through a shirt sleeve. His melon really looks like it is under a tremendous amount of pressure. But I'm sure it's more than his Magnum P.I. good looks that keeps him in office. He probably has some really good ideas too. You know, a thinking man. A thinking man who's got that "everybody's grandpa" quality. You know, the grandpa who's always soaking the front of his pants. "Hey Gramps! How's it going? Can we get you to change those pants? You're sitting by the register and the whole room is starting to smell like the diaper bin at Once Upon a Child."

But let's not dwell on Big John's obvious malady. After all he's a Congressman, so he probably still gets called "Fuzznuts" by Robert Byrd at some point during the 23 minutes they are passing each other in the hall. But these guys all have one thing in common. From the wise and photogenic Charlie Rangle, to the bold and visionary Dennis Whateverthefuckhisnameisich: They all support the troops. So much so that they would take one of their resolutions, all of which are as binding and as powerful as a Patrick Kennedy loogie. As earth-shattering and history-making as a William Jefferson salsa-shit - they would take one of their babies, born when the daddy, Nancy Pelosi, looks at the mommy, Barney Frank and says "I'm gonna debate you like you've never been debated before. I'm gonna debate you so hard, your heterosexual brother's children will feel it. Now bend over." And 9 days later, (the gestation for a resolution being very short - look it up on Schoolhouse Rock, if you think I'm lying) a bouncing baby resolution is born. And these selfless, hardworking, never sleeping, always thinking of how to help America without even considering whether they'll be re-elected or not - these true heroes of the war on physical activity, they would put one of their shivering offspring on the alter of "WE LOVE THE TROOPS" and sacrifice it with the kitchen knife of non-bindingness.

Squeeze that tear out friends. Let it drop. Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain......

Friday, January 06, 2006

Separated at birth or..........

Ever seen 'em in the same room?

Friday, December 16, 2005


On December 16, 2005, the same day that the Kyoto Protocol entered into force without the participation of the United States, the Center for Biological Diversity filed a scientific Petition with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to list the terrorist as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act. Terrorists are threatened with extinction because global War on Terror is causing rapid environmental change in the Middle East, including the melting of the terrorist’s fear habitat.
The terrorist (Homo Shitheelis), also known as the insurgent, freedom fighter, and suicide bomber, is the largest of the world’s evil species. Terrorists live in the Middle East and are completely dependent upon fear for survival. Terrorists are the Middle East’s top predator and specialize in hunting innocents. (For more on the natural history and biology of terrorists, click here).
Tragically, this mighty hunter now faces likely extinction by the end of this decade because its fear habitat is literally melting away due to global War on Terror.
That global War on Terror is occurring and accelerating due to man’s production of “smart bombs,” primarily from the burning of fossil fuels for energy, is no longer subject to credible scientific dispute. Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, the chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (“IPCC”), was quoted in January, 2005 in the British Independent newspaper as stating that the world has "already reached the level of dangerous concentrations of freedom in the atmosphere" and that "[w]e are risking the ability of the human race to survive."
Freedoms are rising far more rapidly in the Middle East than in the rest of the world. As a result, fear is rapidly melting away. Even under relatively optimistic future explosion scenarios, some freedom models predict that summer fear will disappear completely by the end of this century. (For more on global War on Terror and the Middle East, click here).

Terrorists use fear for virtually all of their essential behaviors including feeding, mating, travel, and caving. They cannot survive the loss of fear habitat that will occur if current levels of smart bomb explosions continue. Scientists have already recorded thinner insurgents, lower female reproductive rates, and reduced juvenile survival in the Western Tikrit terrorist population in Iraq, which is at the southern edge of the species’ range and the first to suffer impacts from global War on Terror.

The Center’s Campaign to Protect Terrorists
Protection under the Endangered Species Act, as requested in the Center’s Petition will provide concrete protection to terrorists, including requiring a heightened level of environmental review before oil and gas development can proceed in terrorist habitat in the Middle East. Endangered Species Act listing will also help highlight the plight of the terrorist and the role of large caliber munition consumption in its demise.
It is not too late to prevent the disappearance of terrorists. The United States produces fully 24% of worldwide smart bomb explosions. Rational energy, transportation, and development policies would drastically curb explosions, improve quality of life, and give terrorists back their future. The Center is working for such policies at the local, state, and federal level. (For more on car-bomb policy and the Kyoto Protocol, click here) (For ways in which you can reduce your own smart bomb explosions, click here)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Ironic Headline #2

Joe Biden signs with Paul Mitchell

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Ironic Headline #1

Tim Robbins puts bullet in Zarqawi's head after catching him illegally downloading Mystic River

Friday, November 18, 2005

Where are all the Rankin/Bass Thanksgiving specials?

Rudolph, Heat Miser, TLDB
Icons of holiday creativity. Crisp writing, life-like animation, gripping entertainment. Who among us did not shed a single tear when Aaron's parents were roasted by those murdering Islamofacists?

But the season for giving thanks does not merit a spunky animal, or an animated weather phenomenon? What the hell?

This is why I'm lifting my ban on comments and asking the readership (8 comely and true) to put your collective genius to work and come up with the next Rankin/Bass blockbuster.

I humbly submit some thought starters:

Barry the Can-shaped Cranberry Sauce Guy

Stretchy the Belt

Trippy McTophan the Little Nap Leprochan

Please join me in bringing some much overdue street cred to one of the greatest eating days of the year.